“Change”
Amanda woke up the other day in a fresh new phase of life. She seems to change phases as much as she changes diapers and pacifiers. I remember going through some phases as a kid, but I remember them seeming more rational when I was doing it. But looking at it from a mother’s point of view, it just seems random.
Normally, I don’t have a problem with Amanda’s phases, but this one has me a little…well…sad, really. I woke her up for breakfast and to say goodbye to Talla as she headed of to work, and for the first time in her nearly six years on the planet, she ate her oatmeal without complaining. Talla was happy about that. Of course, it was Talla who had fixed her the bowl of oatmeal that morning.
Together, Amanda and I ate while Talla took her shower and got dressed. “Mommy, could you bath and dress me today?” Amanda asked of Talla as she returned to the kitchen.
“Doesn’t Mommy do that for you?” Talla asked, pointing to me as I cleared the dirty dishes from the table.
“But I want you to do it, today,” The little wolf pup insisted as she clutched her teddy bear. Immediately following her words, the little black Princess popped her free thumb back in her mouth as her emerald eyes looked longingly up at the grown up white wolf.
Talla glanced at her watch, her tail darting around in brief concern of being late for work. But, quickly her eyes, ears, and tail all singled that she didn’t care if she was late. Even her fur seemed to smooth itself out in peace. “Of course, I can bathe you and get you dressed, my little Princess,” she said and wiggled her fingers towards the pup, who took those fingers lightly in hand, being sure not to drop her beloved stuffed animal.
I always laughed at the sight of Amanda with her teddy bear as I had one very similar to hers when I was a kid. One of the last few things I had from my short life with my mother. Mine, of course, was pink and was now in a glass case in my room. Talla had questioned why I had a teddy bear in a display case, and I just gave her a frown and mentioned that my mother gave it to me. That was the last time she asked anything of it, although, I caught her staring at it a couple times.
As Talla lead Amanda off to get ready for the day ahead, I glanced around the large house, realizing that I suddenly had nothing to do. With a shrug I proceeded to get showered and dressed myself. I was thankful for the ability to take a little longer in the shower and even had a little time to brush my mane, which was now down to the middle of my back. Talla liked it long like that, but I never cared for it. However, being a mother, often meant I had to go without such luxuries as haircuts simply because I could never find the time.
Mom used to keep her hair about the same length as mine is. I caught my reflection in the mirror of the makeup table in our bedroom then. I noticed that in that lavender dress I wore that day, I looked a lot like my mother, despite my black fur and mane and my green eyes. That image caught me off guard, as did the memories of Mom wearing a similar dress as she sang along with Guns N’ Roses “Sweet Child O’ Mine,” which was one of her favorite songs. It was because of my mother that I, myself, listened to the classic rock songs. But, I remember laughing and dancing on my mother’s bed as she sang and danced in front of me. I don’t even remember what Nicole was doing at that time, and I really, didn’t care.
She was always singing something. And I often danced with her. Mom liked to see us dance. Always brought a smile to her face. “God,” I muttered to myself. “I must have been three at that time…Wore the same dress she did, too.”
I was interrupted then by Talla and Amanda entering the master bedroom of the house. Talla instantly gave me a knowing look, laced with concern. I intended to give her a reassuring look, but I don’t think I succeeded, ’cause she gave me a confused glance before handing me my daughter. “Alright, Princess, I have got to go to work, okay?”
“No! I want you to stay home and play with me!” Amanda said, and I instantly remember saying that exact same thing to my mother a couple times, and knew what was about to come from my lover’s lips.
“Aw, I would love to stay and play with you, Amanda, but I don’t want to get…” Talla started.
“You know, I wish you would get fired,” I blurted out loud. I was true. I was always scared to death that I would get a call from the chief that Talla had been killed. Every time the phone rang, I was afraid to answer it. I had been told that was normal. Talla was my wife and I had every right to be concerned for her safety. “I have plenty of money in the bank. We could live solely off the interest.”
Talla gave me an argumentative stare. We had never had that discussion before, but she really didn’t want to have it at that moment. “Laura…” she started, her face snapping between confusion and hurt and anger. “…I have to go to work,” she finally said. “Amanda, you be a good girl for your Mommy, and I will see you when you got home.”
With a kiss to Amanda’s cheek which Amanda returned, Talla turned to leave the room and house, but paused a moment. “Laura, I love you,” the words seemed to be more of an apology. “With all my heart,” the last part was said both in truth and to say that we were going to have a long talk when she got home.
I wish I could say that Amanda was a good girl that entire day out of sheer obedience to Talla, but she decided that my authority meant nothing. The day started out fine, with her wanting to just color, which I never had a problem with. Normally, I would even color with her, but when I tried this time, I got a stern, “NO! I’m coloring!” from my little one.
“Hey, Amanda, you be nice,” I told her before leaving her at the table to draw.
I contented myself with reading a couple chapters in my Bible – I’m working my way through Isaiah, but it’s been really slow and I have often found myself having to go back a few chapters – then picking up a novel and reading that.
Every once and a while I would glance over at Amanda to make sure she was alright, and she would still be coloring. Eventually, however it grew time for lunch and her short nap she usually took. But, when I went over to have her put her things up for lunch, I noticed that she was really just scribbling, which caught my attention because she usually drew pictures. Not only that, but she was still using the same piece of paper she had started with.
“Alright, Amanda, it’s time for lunch,” I said.
“No, it’s not. I’m still coloring,” she replied matter-of-fact.
I laughed, thinking she was just joking. “It’s not?” I asked playfully.
“Nope,” she said.
“Yeah, it is,” I retorted, and tickled her ribs from behind.
She didn’t seem to like that. “DON’T!” she snapped with a tone that threatened my authority.
“Hey, don’t you use that tone with me. Now, put your stuff up so I can make you something for lunch,” I ordered, my smile gone.
“Excuse you. I am coloring here. And I am not done coloring until I say I am done coloring,” she told me.
I frowned at my daughter. I didn’t like being ordered around by her. “I’m going to count to three, Amanda, and if you don’t have your stuff put up by the time I’m done, you are going straight down for a nap without lunch,” I warned.
“Look!” she snapped. “I am coloring! This is my stuff and I will put it away when I am done with it!”
I wasn’t about to tolerate her raising her voice at me, so I quickly snatched away her crayons and paper and stuck them on top of the fridge where she couldn’t reach them. “HEY! THAT’S MY STUFF!” She shouted at me and gave me a kick to the shin.
“Oh, now you’re going to get your bottom spanked before you go down for a nap,” I told her and she her attitude instantly changed.
“Noooooooo!” she whined as I dragged her towards her room.
“Yeeeeeeees! You do not kick me, young lady. Plus, it would seem, I need to remind you that I am your mother and I am boss and you need to listen to me and do what I tell you,” I said as got to the bottom of the stairs.
Amanda fought me, not wanting to be hauled up to her room and spanked. I was strong, but even with my enhanced strength, it was a struggle, which only told me that she also had enhanced strength. As did the kick she gave me, which left a good sized bruise on my leg. Eventually, I grew tired of fighting her and gave her little rump a slap right there. She arched her back forward and I grabbed the scruff of her neck and dragged her up the steps, a trick I had learned from my cousin.
“I’m sorry, Mommy!” Amanda tried.
“It’s too late for sorry, now,” I told her as I sat myself in the aptly named “Spanking Chair” and dropped her over my knee.
Instantly, her hands went covered her padded behind to protect it from my raised hand. “Move your hands,” I ordered and the little wolf pup quickly removed her hands from my target.
I only gave her five spankings, but five was usually enough as I made them hard enough to drive my point home. When I let her up, there were tears on the edge of her eyes. “Who’s the boss?” I asked her.
“You are,” she said, an apologetic look in her green eyes.
“Who else?” I asked.
“Mommy,” she answered.
“And didn’t Mommy tell you to be a good girl for me?” I interrogated and she nodded. “Yeah, but you weren’t a very good girl, were you?” Amanda shook her head. “So, you are going to sit in your room until Mommy gets home, understood? And I want you to be good and not get into any trouble.”
“But I’m hungry,” she tried.
“And I tried to feed you, but you insisted that you were coloring. Now, it’s time for your nap,” I said as I slipped off her little shoes and slipped her beneath the covers of her bed.
I gave her a quick kiss on her forehead. “I love you, Amanda,” I told her with a loving smile.
“I love you too, Momma,” she said, sleep working it’s way into her voice and eyes.
***
And she slept all afternoon. It was only when Talla walked through the door that she finally shot awake and came rushing down the stairs, shouting, “Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!”
“There’s my little Princess!” Talla exclaimed as Amanda leaped into her waiting arms. “And how was your day?”
“Mommy was mean to me,” Amanda said.
“Oh she was, was she?” Talla asked and Amanda nodded, trying to rub the sleep from her eyes that insisted to cling to her. “Why was Mommy mean to you?”
“I don’t know,” Amanda said and Talla and I laughed.
“She thought she was the boss of me, today. Tried to get her to put up her crayons and stuff for lunch and she insisted that she was coloring and she wasn’t ready for lunch to the point where she raised her voice at me. And when I took her things away, she gave me this bruise,” I explained and lifted me dress enough to let Talla see the swollen and purple area on my shin.
“Hey, Amanda, I thought I told you to be a good girl for Mommy. It doesn’t seem like you were being very good,” Talla said and Amanda just shrugged, sleep still calling to her.
“I think she’s more interested in you, Talla, my love,” I commented.
“Yeah,” Talla said with a sigh after a moment to think about that. “Well, I’m sure it’s just a phase.”
I gave Talla a kiss while rubbing my hands against her sides. “We missed you,” I said.
***
Talla tucked Amanda back into bed. We were a little worried at the amount of time she spent sleeping, but our pediatrician insisted that there wasn’t anything to worry about.
Once she was asleep, Talla wandering into the kitchen where I was busy fixing dinner. “So, what is this about you not wanting me to work?” she asked.
“It’s not that I don’t want you to work,” I replied. “It’s that I don’t want you to work for SWAT.”
“Oh, so you’re concerned about me, are ya?” Talla asked with a smile and a loving kiss.
“You’re my wife, Talla. I don’t want you to get hurt,” I said and sighed, not wanting to stir the spaghetti anymore. “And I know that you used to be a superhero and protect the city and you’ve been a SWAT sniper for ages…and I thought I would be fine with it at first, but I just…I scared. Every time that door swings open, I hold my breath because I’m afraid that it’s going to be your boss or Eric or someone telling me that something went wrong and…I’ve already lost my mother and my ex-fiance, Talla, I don’t know if I could handle loosing you.”
I sat myself in a chair, crossed my arms over my chest and rubbed my right shoulder with my left hand. My tail sat perfectly still behind me and my ears sat at half mast as if they wanted to hear what Talla had to say, but were afraid of her words at the same time.
Talla just wandered over and sat on my lap. She gave me a very passionate and very long kiss. “God, Talla, most of the things I do and love are out of some subconscious memory of my mother. Hell, I even caught my remembering how she used to dance and sing to classic rock songs while I danced on her bed. I mean, the music I listen to, my favorite color, my…damn hair…I even call cigarettes cancer canes because they remind me of when my mother used to buy me peppermint sticks as a kid.
“My counselor says I have all sorts of trauma issues because I watched her die and because she was so close to me. If something were to happen to you, who knows how I would manifest that pain. I mean, it took me two full years to cry out the pain of my mother’s death…” Talla broke my emotional rambling with a deep kiss.
“It’s going to be alright, Laura. I’m not going anywhere, alright?” the white wolf said, the gentle swooshing of her tail across my leg doing it’s best to comfort me as well.
“No, Talla. It’s not alright,” I said and wrapped my black hands around her face. “I want you here. Where I know you’re safe. You have no idea how much I regret not taking you in the moment I saw you. Everything I’ve done since that night we first officially met has been to protect you. All I have ever wanted since then is for you to be safe and sound and out of harms way. I do NOT like you running off and playing hero everyday. I never liked you being a superhero, and it breaks my heart every time you step out that door to face people that would just love to rip you away from me forever. I do NOT want you to be a sniper anymore.” Talla’s blue eyes read my emerald ones the entire time, concern and heartache written across them.
One of the maids had taken over making dinner by then, which allowed me to plant another kiss on Talla’s lips and carry her over to the couch. I may have virtually unlimited strength, but I was never as strong as I made myself out to be. That was just an act. Amanda was the only thing that kept me from rushing to my room and crying my eyes out every morning while Talla risked her life.
“The chief…” she started in after a while.
“The chief can come here and personally kiss my ass. You are my wife. I didn’t put the very ring my mother was supposed to wear on your finger so I could watch ’till death do you part’ play before my eyes everyday,” I broke in bluntly as I wrapped her in my arms.
Amanda wondered down the steps then. “Mommy, I had a bad dream,” she said and crawled onto my lap.
Without a word, I helped Amanda onto my lap, and wrapped my daughter and my wife in my arms. “We need you here, Talla,” I whispered. “I love you more than life itself, and I will do whatever it takes to get you to stay home. And I don’t care if I you end up hating me and leaving me. I will just watch over you and protect you, anyway. At least I will know you’re safe. Because…” and I turned Talla’s face so I could look her in the eyes. “I love you, Mrs. Talla Anne Graives.”
“I love you, too, Mrs. Laura Marileen Graives,” Talla said.
She was unsure of what to do, though. Granted she went into work the next day and told her boss that she was going to be using up all the sick leave she had, which was about three months worth. When her boss asked her why, she told him that she was having a family issue that would compromise the quality of her work.
To drive my point home to her, I refused to have sex with her until I was sure she was safe. I never really felt comfortable making love to her while she was in harm’s way, anyway. That, though, told her that I was desperately serious, and that my fears were real. I exposed just how emotionally fragile I was to her in the weeks that followed, and I know it scared her.
She was unusually quiet for a while. That just told me that she didn’t know what to tell me. Eventually, though, as a birthday present to me, she turned in her resignation and even handed her beloved sniper rifle and 19th century pistol over to Cindy Cole, who had put together a museum dedicated to the Brethren. I was overjoyed. It was the best present I could have asked for.
As to Amanda’s “I love Talla” phase, it lasted for a while, and I was fine with it as long as Amanda also did what I told her to. I knew that no matter how much she clung to Talla’s side, whenever she was scared or got hurt, she would always come crying to me. I was her mother, and she was my Princess and that would never change.
